Technology Wish List That Will Never Happen – Caution: Humor

I’ve always been a daydreamer. That’s why I was battered and bruised by several nuns during my grammar school career. That’s why the line-drives, fly balls and grounders passed me by in right field in the highlight reels of my little league career. That’s why my wife always gives me that look when she tells me that she already told me (several times) something she considers to be very important.

But in my Walter Mitty life I’ve solved the global warming crisis, performed on stage with Bruce Springsteen and appeared on several episodes of “Lost in Space” with Angela Cartwright (this was a recurring daydream when I was eight years old).

So give that I’ve sat in a training class for the last couple of days it, of course, made my mind wander a bit. Fortunately, Pablo the trainer doesn’t even resemble a nun. But the result is a wish list of inventions that will never make the marketplace. But if you IP lawyers get a hankering for these, please drop me a line.

Email Zapper
Yes, I’m extremely overwhelmed and frustrated with the amount of email I get. There are several folks out there who make their emails ‘urgent’ when I consider having to go to the bathroom urgent, but fixing a typo on a Web site not to be. Email management is a bear, and I’ve tried the policies recommended by several email gurus, like an “action” folder vs. a “reference” folder.  But it always ends up filling in my in-box to the brink. There’s just too much to keep up with and most of  it wouldn’t exist if someone would just pick up the phone.   For some people email is a conversation device (try text messaging – you can even do it on your phone).

So here’s the deal.  My “Email Zapper” will instantly delete emails on arrival. No more messy clean-up of my inbox.  No more having to read several paragraphs of an email trying to determine what the point is. No more endless streams-of-consciousness from folks who can’t organize their thoughts (try Twitter, it’s built for you).  And this is guaranteed to kill SPAM for good.  So, if you need to get in touch with me after I install my Email Zapper, please call me.

Product TechnoName Generator
How do legal technology vendors come up with these obscure names for their products that have no relation to what the product does? These names of products and companies have had lawyers baffled for years. So to help them continue the practice, we’ll devise an encoder called the “TechoName Generator”. The legal vendor will type in the name or phrase of the service that the product is suppose to perform and we’ll deliver some obscure technowild@$$ name for their product that has no relevance at all to its function. We will then provide several thousand dollars in branding consultation and product launch planning. And in the end, lawyers still won’t know what the heck the vendor’s product does, but it sure sounds like a cool product, eh?

Twitter Breathalyzer
So you’re a twit now – congrats – it’s mainstream, and for those who were the pioneers, they’ve moved on to other things. I see several tweets from inebriated folks and let me warn you that these could be used against you in a court of law. So I recommend the “Twitter Breathalyzer” – if you blow higher than 0.08%, you cannot Tweet until you sober-up. This will keep you from doing incriminating things and saying bad stuff about your friends, employers and jailers. It comes in a Facebook version too.

Stay tuned for more inventions that you’ll never get to use.


~ by CDLB on April 30, 2009.

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